Tuesday, 7 March 2017

An Average Day

My mind is always willing, my body not so much.
This is my daily battle, there's so much I want to do with my days, but what do I actually do?  An average day for me is this...
-Struggle to start wake up and start my day, body is screaming for more sleep.
-Hunger, but body refuses food
-Get a little work done, i.e respond to emails, work on book.
-Think of all the things I need to do.
-End up wasting the day in a tired state, usually end up watching crappy day time TV
-Spend evenings in reading books.
This is pretty much my life 24/7 no change at the weekend either, not what you would expect from a 22 year old right?
Am I just stuck in a never ending rut? Or am I spending my days just in a dreamworld longing for more? Or is it that I'm doing the one thing I swore I would never do, and am letting my disease control me?
To be honest I have no idea, and I really don't know how to change it, my energy levels are so depleted right now, I'm not sure how to sort it out. I've always suffered from depression, (I was put on antidepressants at a very young age) I could blame it on this, but I don't think it is depression, my life is actually pretty good at the moment, financially I'm fine,  I don't want for anything really, apart from medical stuff everything's fine, so why am I living like a fucking zombie?  (I know financial state should determine your mental state but it does to me okay?)
(I usually start these post with a subject that I want to write about and then all of a sudden I always go onto tangents and i have no idea, where I am going with it? Is my attention span that short?)
Is it because I don't have regular contact with anyone else apart from my family?
Now I've never been one to have female friendships, I never did as a child and I still don't as an adult, I was always the girl that had more male friends than females, and that isn't uncommon, I find it hard to form friendships with females, far to complex and confusing for me, and plus I've found in female friendships I always become the passive friend allowing the other person to walk all over me, now that may be due to my fear of confrontation but then again saying that, I have no issue's with arguing with men. Are you as confused as I am? Good, because I can't really explain it myself! Are you like me? Not really able to get along in friendships with people the same gender as you? Maybe I'll grow out of it one day, because I'd love to have a friendship like the one's you see in shitty movies, where two friends rent an apartment together, have a laugh, and drink every night, but I'm almost positive that will never happen for me. Never mind.
But... On the other hand I barely see my male friends also, mostly because their all pretty much in relationships, and we all know male/female platonic friendships have to be put on hold whilst one is in a relationship, a bullshit rule really, but one that everyone seems to follow.
Is it the lack of friendship getting to me?
Or is it the lack of a romantic relationship?
My nature is to be a submissive, but that doesn't mean I wont argue with you, or bow down to your every need, but is that effecting my romantic relationships, I've never felt girly in my life, I'm not someone who oozes sex appeal or every really feels sexy, and due to past relationships my self worth is very low. (Working on it) I trust easily, fall quickly, and always seem to be hurt even quicker, my own stupidity I know, also the factor I've implemented a stupid thought that my time is rapidly running out, my parents where married and had my older brother and me by the time they got to the age I am now, and when I was younger I always thought I'd be married and have a child of my own by the time I reached 21, obviously not. Not having a child doesn't worry me, like that is the furthest thing from my mind right now, kids can wait, uncertain if I even want them anymore due to past problems I never thought in my wildest dreams I would go through, but I did, and life goes on, but being young and having not one other person interested in you is really disheartening, maybe I'm just over thinking things. (Tend to do that quite a lot)
I don't know I just want more from life, the endless stream of days that are so similar are just getting to me, and I need to make a change before more years slip by and I end up completely sad and alone.
Horay for being one cheery motherfucker!

Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Unfixable lapses of judgement

People build mountains out of mole hills, completely mixing the truth in their brains to see the outcome that they most desire, an easy escape if you will, jealousy is a wasted emotion and one I do not play into, friendship is something that I cherish and will not ever willingly sacrifice, and I will always be completely honest with you, if I say nothing is happening or has ever happened I mean it!! 
I will apologise if I'm wrong, but I will also give you a cooling off period, because I've learned a discussion in the midst of anger will do more damage than good and you'l end up with a full blown war, and if I'm not wrong, I won't apologise, but I try my hardest not to play the victim, because I'm tired of that role and I've invested too much time into crawling my way back up from the depths just to jump back in again. Plus I'm a fucking warrior now!! 
Like I said what one see's and what one wants to believe are two completely different things yet they tred a fine line and the outcomes can be disastrous. 
I've noticed recently that friendship boundries are so different with different people, what I might joke about with one friend will not correspond correctly with another and so forth, and  (might I stress) COMPLETELY INNOCENT flirty/playful friendship doesn't mean there's an intention for more...
Do I want more? Hell no. 
Would I ever want more? Absolutely not.
And why on earth would you think I would knowing the history you two have together? I'm NOT that type of girl.
Am I not allowed to have a friendship with a male? Why is there the notion that it will end up in a relationship? It's a complete load of bollocks, and what you see now of our friendship is the way it's always been, the back and forth banter, the play fights, the crude jokes, it's just the way we are and have been since day one and I won't apologise for it, too be honest writing this post is pretty much pointless because my word should be enough, and your own insecurity and judgement shouldn't make me feel like shit! 
Am I wrong in saying that? At this point fuck knows.
Should I feel guilt for something that was out of my power and didn't know what was happening until I awoke? No. Want to know why? Because it wasn't MY fucking fault! 
There is this reccuring trend I'm seeing of people not working on anything anymore, seeing what they want to see, letting stubbornness and anger shadow their judgment instead of talking about the issues and rebuilding relationships, we live in a society where it's so easy to block someone from every platform and then quickly claim that the accused "wrong party" hasn't made any contact to make amendments, well how can someone when you're so quick to cut your losses and walk away? I've noticed these are usually the most unhappy people, who believe that ignoring something will just make all their issues go away, that isn't how life works, if you truly wanted something to work, you wouldn't drag up wrong doings from the past, make hasty decisions and just decide to cut all ties, that doesn't help anything and in the end you'l be the one that will hurt more. 
Am I making excuses for the other friend I've known longer? No. 
Where his actions correct? Fuck no.
But unless you are the one in that close friendship you wouldn't understand the bond, yes we do each others head in, we scream at each other until will blue in the face, and we won't talk for a while, but we always make amends and forgive because that is true friendship, a lasting friendship, that had already been put through the ringer plenty of times before you came onto the scene. 
If I wanted to (which I don't) I could hold onto many grudges and make people suffer but I'm not that type of person, however I think the forthcoming will prove my point...People talk about disrespect but do they really know what that truly is? To me disrespect is a "friend" fucking another "friend" on my living room floor in my house, a complete lack of respect to not only me but the rest of my family as well! Not what you wrongly think you heard or see or whatever, because I wouldn't do that to you ever. I guess some people just can't handle it when they think it's happening on their own doorstep but it's fine to do it at others. Other insidents that I won't divulge but I took your word for it and trusted you, even against my lack of better judgement that was telling me that I shouldn't, that there was far more than you where letting on! 
Did I have a meltdown at you? No.
Why? Because I forgive and move on, life's too short to be bitching about how much people have hurt you, you will just end up stuck in a useless circle until you end up alone and have no one else to blame but yourself, some have said I have the patience of a virtue well you know what fuck that, this is the straw that broke the camels back, you want an end of a friendship without even trying to fix it, fine, but if you even bothered to listen to my side of the story you would know you got it completely wrong. 
Self pity, stubbornness, anger and jealousy will not form long lasting friendships, but if you chose to live that when then that is your call, yes these might seem like words from a callous bitch, but if you want to cut ties then so be it, at the end of the day I won't be the one to suffer, because I know true enough I did nothing wrong

Sunday, 1 January 2017

January 1st

So that's it then...
The festive season has come and gone, and I feel 100lbs heavier but hey ho I enjoyed myself, looking back at 2016 and it hasn't been that bad for me personally, I mean the grim reaper has definitely done it's rounds and we have lost so many talented and inspirational people this year, and Brexit happened, and trump won, so regardless of everything else,  2016 will go down as one of the worst years. EVER!!!!

But what has happened for me this year?

Well... I finally got free of a long term toxic relationship and have cut ties with other people that were not benefiting my life, I started to write a children's book, which I don't have a lot left to do on, and I finally got a medical diagnosis after 2-3 years of suffering, so I suppose it cant be all that bad, well apart from the 49 tablets I have to take weekly, the fortnightly blood tests and other surgical procedures I have to endure this year, but the biggest thing I've learned this year is... How fucking strong I am... emotionally.

I have personally endured so much shit in the past few years and I'm still going, stronger than ever, I know I sound like I'm blowing smoke up my own ass, but it honestly hit me this year, I can deal with a lot of shit and move on. Loosing one of my childhood friends due to suicide bought on by depression might have something to do with this realisation, God bless her soul. But this year has been about finding that inner strength and continuing.

I must admit though I have had a rather laid back approach to friendships this year, but saying that a friendship that I held so very dearly was destroyed and rebuilt this year, so that's all good, and I must try harder next year, although we can go for weeks without talking then meet up and its like we never spent time apart.

After a year of not working I cant wait to start working again this year, its been far too long, and I need to start making decent money, so I can afford to actually do things, whilst saving, although I've realised I am absolutely crap at maths. Each month when I budget out my money for the month. come the end I always have more left than I thought I would, I suppose that's not necessarily something to complain about, but it can be very confusing!

I'm not the type of person to make resolutions, but if I have to they would be..

( Pretty much all medical related haha)

1~Keep my weight under control, (Steroids are playing havoc with my body)

2~Take better care of myself internal and external ( Again bloody Dermatomyositis playing havoc)

3~Keep a daily journal just to keep check on everything.

4~Have at least two weekends away somewhere in Europe.

5~Finally buy a car.

6~Start work again.

7~And last but not least push myself to do something different.

Yay... seven resolutions, pretty apt seen as seven is my favourite number! Lets hope 2017 is an amazing year, I think we all deserve it after this one!

What do you want in 2017? What are your resolutions?