Monday, 14 November 2016

Dermatomyositis you haven't beaten me yet.

Coming to terms with being ill for the rest of your life is weird, but what's weirder is other people's reactions to it, yes I'm ill, and some days I don't want to do anything but it's not like I'm living in a fucking bubble, I can still pretty much do everything I used to, but I just get tired quicker, I can still go out and have fun, I just need a little longer to recover that's all, or on the other hand I have people that have no fucking idea what I have, or haven't even tried to learn anything about it and therefore think I've made it up, it's odd, especially having something so rare, I have Dermatomyositis but my case of it, is even rarer because I'm 22 and normally you have it as a child or a lot later in life, so yeah bit of a freak of nature here 😂 but fuck it, I don't really care, it makes me who I am, and I just have to accept that.

However there are a few things that do make me laugh about being ill and that is the same old shit people ask you no matter how many times you tell them...

"Is there anything they can do about it?"

Nahh I'm just taking a shit tonne of steroids daily just for the sake of it...

"Is there a cure?"
Well seen as they don't know how it's caused, or what it really is in full, I doubt it...

"How long will you be ill for?"
Your guess is as good as mine, but seen as there's no cure, I'm gonna go with forever.

Yes I may seem sarky about the whole thing but two years of the same questions start to do your head in, it's kind of like when someone has a baby and all anyone ever does is ask the mother questions about the child and nothing else, that's kind of what I'm going through, no one ever seems to talk to me about anything else other than my illness, it's aggravating, I didn't suddenly just shut off and become someone who can't talk about anything else but being ill... this post is very "ranty" I apologise for that but god it's annoying haha and I do see I'm being a hypocrite by writing a post about being ill and whining about how that's all people want to talk to me about but yeah, we all need to rant sometimes and this is just my outlet for it!

All I'm saying is stop treating me like I'm useless, because I'm still the same person, just a little bit unwell and that is all! :)  

Sunday, 6 November 2016

Loosing control

I let my loneliness get the most of me tonight, it's been months since I've "lost control" and to me it feels like I've just taken a giant step back, having depression for as long as I can remember has allowed me to be able to control my emotions and even at times completely "turn them off" and I know that sounds weird because some people do see depression to be something that you can't control, but a lot of the time I can, and the last few months I have been going through life without any emotion, I made myself numb to everything, in doing so though I do become a non caring heartless bitch, but if I do that I don't feel the pain I'm feeling right now, I don't feel the years of hurt I've suppressed, I don't feel guilt and remorse from bad things I've had to do in my life, I don't feel the emptiness inside when I go to bed alone every night, or the loneliness I get from weeks and weeks of not hearing from anyone, or the sadness I get every time I pick up my phone and have no notifications from anything or anyone. I just don't want to feel anymore, I've had more of my fair share of heartbreak and loss, that I just don't know if I can continue to do it anymore, I cried tonight for me, I cried tonight for my little E, I cried tonight because I lost control and I cried tonight because I have to continue to be strong, and I've pretended for so long to be strong, when I'm dying inside, and I'm so scared of everything, I cried tonight because I don't know how much longer I can go through life, being numb pretending that everything's fine when it's not.