Sunday, 6 November 2016

Loosing control

I let my loneliness get the most of me tonight, it's been months since I've "lost control" and to me it feels like I've just taken a giant step back, having depression for as long as I can remember has allowed me to be able to control my emotions and even at times completely "turn them off" and I know that sounds weird because some people do see depression to be something that you can't control, but a lot of the time I can, and the last few months I have been going through life without any emotion, I made myself numb to everything, in doing so though I do become a non caring heartless bitch, but if I do that I don't feel the pain I'm feeling right now, I don't feel the years of hurt I've suppressed, I don't feel guilt and remorse from bad things I've had to do in my life, I don't feel the emptiness inside when I go to bed alone every night, or the loneliness I get from weeks and weeks of not hearing from anyone, or the sadness I get every time I pick up my phone and have no notifications from anything or anyone. I just don't want to feel anymore, I've had more of my fair share of heartbreak and loss, that I just don't know if I can continue to do it anymore, I cried tonight for me, I cried tonight for my little E, I cried tonight because I lost control and I cried tonight because I have to continue to be strong, and I've pretended for so long to be strong, when I'm dying inside, and I'm so scared of everything, I cried tonight because I don't know how much longer I can go through life, being numb pretending that everything's fine when it's not.