Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Unfixable lapses of judgement


People build mountains out of mole hills, completely mixing the truth in their brains to see the outcome that they most desire, an easy escape if you will, jealousy is a wasted emotion and one I do not play into, friendship is something that I cherish and will not ever willingly sacrifice, and I will always be completely honest with you, if I say nothing is happening or has ever happened I mean it!! 
I will apologise if I'm wrong, but I will also give you a cooling off period, because I've learned a discussion in the midst of anger will do more damage than good and you'l end up with a full blown war, and if I'm not wrong, I won't apologise, but I try my hardest not to play the victim, because I'm tired of that role and I've invested too much time into crawling my way back up from the depths just to jump back in again. Plus I'm a fucking warrior now!! 
Like I said what one see's and what one wants to believe are two completely different things yet they tred a fine line and the outcomes can be disastrous. 
I've noticed recently that friendship boundries are so different with different people, what I might joke about with one friend will not correspond correctly with another and so forth, and  (might I stress) COMPLETELY INNOCENT flirty/playful friendship doesn't mean there's an intention for more...
Do I want more? Hell no. 
Would I ever want more? Absolutely not.
And why on earth would you think I would knowing the history you two have together? I'm NOT that type of girl.
Am I not allowed to have a friendship with a male? Why is there the notion that it will end up in a relationship? It's a complete load of bollocks, and what you see now of our friendship is the way it's always been, the back and forth banter, the play fights, the crude jokes, it's just the way we are and have been since day one and I won't apologise for it, too be honest writing this post is pretty much pointless because my word should be enough, and your own insecurity and judgement shouldn't make me feel like shit! 
Am I wrong in saying that? At this point fuck knows.
Should I feel guilt for something that was out of my power and didn't know what was happening until I awoke? No. Want to know why? Because it wasn't MY fucking fault! 
There is this reccuring trend I'm seeing of people not working on anything anymore, seeing what they want to see, letting stubbornness and anger shadow their judgment instead of talking about the issues and rebuilding relationships, we live in a society where it's so easy to block someone from every platform and then quickly claim that the accused "wrong party" hasn't made any contact to make amendments, well how can someone when you're so quick to cut your losses and walk away? I've noticed these are usually the most unhappy people, who believe that ignoring something will just make all their issues go away, that isn't how life works, if you truly wanted something to work, you wouldn't drag up wrong doings from the past, make hasty decisions and just decide to cut all ties, that doesn't help anything and in the end you'l be the one that will hurt more. 
Am I making excuses for the other friend I've known longer? No. 
Where his actions correct? Fuck no.
But unless you are the one in that close friendship you wouldn't understand the bond, yes we do each others head in, we scream at each other until will blue in the face, and we won't talk for a while, but we always make amends and forgive because that is true friendship, a lasting friendship, that had already been put through the ringer plenty of times before you came onto the scene. 
If I wanted to (which I don't) I could hold onto many grudges and make people suffer but I'm not that type of person, however I think the forthcoming will prove my point...People talk about disrespect but do they really know what that truly is? To me disrespect is a "friend" fucking another "friend" on my living room floor in my house, a complete lack of respect to not only me but the rest of my family as well! Not what you wrongly think you heard or see or whatever, because I wouldn't do that to you ever. I guess some people just can't handle it when they think it's happening on their own doorstep but it's fine to do it at others. Other insidents that I won't divulge but I took your word for it and trusted you, even against my lack of better judgement that was telling me that I shouldn't, that there was far more than you where letting on! 
Did I have a meltdown at you? No.
Why? Because I forgive and move on, life's too short to be bitching about how much people have hurt you, you will just end up stuck in a useless circle until you end up alone and have no one else to blame but yourself, some have said I have the patience of a virtue well you know what fuck that, this is the straw that broke the camels back, you want an end of a friendship without even trying to fix it, fine, but if you even bothered to listen to my side of the story you would know you got it completely wrong. 
Self pity, stubbornness, anger and jealousy will not form long lasting friendships, but if you chose to live that when then that is your call, yes these might seem like words from a callous bitch, but if you want to cut ties then so be it, at the end of the day I won't be the one to suffer, because I know true enough I did nothing wrong